W. Reih explains the characteristics of masochistic people as suffering, complaining, and self-harm. Some of the people who show these symptoms try to hide the pain by saying "I am not destroyed despite everything", some of them say "I have no luck, the bad guys always find me, wherever there is harm, they hit me" and close the ways to reach a solution one by one.
There are always those around you who glorify the pain, persuade and praise the sufferer to stay in the well. Instead of holding the hand of the injured person, these people say "you have to be patient, you have no chance to get out of this well", leaving him alone with pain and encouraging him to consent to violence. A person believes that he will not be able to get rid of the pain no matter what he does after a while and he surrenders. Now the person thinks that he deserves the violence he has been subjected to and believes that he can survive only by holding on to a violent person. The person surrenders to violence, accepts it, and becomes a slave to the subject of violence. Unfortunately, people leave these people to deadlock and turn them into a living dead.
When I was working in the shelter, a lady who was severely beaten by her husband, whose arms were broken, who was unable to see in one eye, and who suffered severe damage in various parts of her body came. Despite this heavy torture, the woman wanted to return to her husband, but the violent husband did not want him and said that he would kill if he came back. But no matter what the woman was saying, even though my death will be at her hand, I have no words, I want to return to my husband… The shelter workers could not understand the situation, they were trying to understand how a woman agreed to live with the person who threatened her with death.
How could it be that a woman was trying to survive with this person despite the severe violence, insults, exclusion and threats she was subjected to. Of course, we do not wish the home to be destroyed and the spouses to part ways, and we cannot. However, no human being, whether male or female, does not want or should not want to live in an environment where there is no life safety. In such cases, it is the most natural right of the victim to take the path. But interestingly, masochists ignore violence and threats, adopt pain as brothers, and cannot give up on the sadistic they rely on.
If the violence is caused by the spouse or any member of the family, we prefer to cover it up and ignore it by saying that it is spouse, sibling. And unfortunately, this understanding is accepted as an Islamic value and tried to spread. However, Islam considers the security of individuals and the protection of their rights at a central point. In our religion, parents' rights over children are emphasized, of course, this is an important responsibility, but we must admit that our children are not our property, they also have rights over us. We cannot usurp their rights by saying that we have brought to the world, looked after, raised them, we cannot see them as slaves under our hands. The same goes for spouses. Spouses have rights over each other, so the person cannot usurp this right and have the authority to batter his spouse. Violence is a servant's right and the person who inflicts violence on his / her spouse violates the rights.
In recent years, we see that studies have been carried out in schools, official and non-governmental organizations for the education of virtues. However, we have not seen the impact of the current studies, violence and hatred are spreading rapidly in the society, the crime rate is increasing day by day. Because the awareness of rights is given to children firstly in the family environment, and the child internalizes these values by looking at the lives of the parents.
If you raise your children with a sense of fairness and can plant compassion in their hearts, they will treat their spouses and children with compassion in their future lives and they will continue their lives as virtuous people. You can be sure of that.
So how do we evaluate masochistic people becoming a defender of pain?
Most of these people have been subjected to intense violence and criticism in their childhood and have accepted the violence and started to believe that they deserve it. That is why they remain silent about being humiliated and beaten by their spouses and believe that the spouse has a right to do so. The person thinks that he cannot survive without his violent wife, believes that he is the only person to protect and watch over him.
In emotional masochism, the woman shares her problems with her relatives and becomes dependent on the people who listen to her. The pain has now become an abandoned wall for him, and the wall is eroding more and more each time. No matter how much the murderous spouse increases the dose of violence, the woman thinks "as long as she can love me and whatever happens" and consents to the persecution. However, Islam wants us to show the sensitivity we show in order to protect the rights of the other party, to protect our own rights… This is the healthy thing.